Thanksgiving is next week. Although you wouldn’t know that if you walked through any retail establishment or public space. The Christmas season has been thrust upon us once again with its garland, tinsel, and sparkling madness.
So here it is, people, the cold, hard truth about me and my dark heart: I don’t like Christmas. There, I wrote it where everyone can see. Now before y’all start fussing at me and questioning if I’m good Christian girl, let me be clear, I have no issue with church Christmas. I’m down with Jesus. I have long contended there are two Christmases: church Christmas and mall Christmas. I don’t like mall Christmas. I have a list of reasons and since it’s my blog I’m writing them here.
1) Feelings – I am dark humored, sarcastic and generally a malcontent. Eleven months out of the year, people find this to be among the reasons they like me. You’re reading this, aren’t you? However, December 1st, suddenly the whole flipping world is concerned about my feelings. Am I happy? Am I happy enough? Do I have love for my fellow man? Am I moved to tears by poorly written TV movies about going home for Christmas? No one cares about my feeling any other time of year, and I’m comfortable with that arrangement. I don’t care that much about your feelings; stop being concerned about mine.
2) Music – Christmas music SUCKS! seriously. It is schmaltzy. It is overdone. It is designed to elicit cheap tears and false nostalgia about bygone times that really weren’t that great either but because it’s the past we can romanticize it and dress it up any way we want to make it more than it ever was or hoped to be. Some of my worst emotional lows happened at Christmas. I don’t care to drag up my feelings about Christmases past, thank you very much. (See: Feelings) And it’s everywhere. You can’t even buy your groceries in peace. They pipe those silver bells into Kroger too. By the way, whoever let Mariah Carey record a Christmas album has a special listening room in hell where they pipe in puppies yelping for all eternity.
3) FFF – Forced Family Fun could be the worst part of the entire holiday season. UN negotiators have nothing on the Herculean efforts of compromise to get this family together for a meal. This is a group of people, but for DNA, would never have anything to do with one another. On one side of the family, you could be challenged to a footrace or arm wrestling competition if you don’t first have to clean up squirrel guts. (a story for another time) On the other side of the family, a pink elephant twirling a fire baton could walk in and sit down to join us for supper and no one would acknowledge it, we are just that WASPy. Unfortunately, neither side will let me drink. A person should not have to endure Force Family Fun sober.
4) Lists – Every year, about a week before Thanksgiving I start making holiday to do lists. Last year, things got so ridiculous, I handed off a big section of mine to Katy Kat who graciously took it for me. Now you will never know if the gift you got last year was selected by me or her. Hint: it was probably her. There’s absolutely NOTHING fun to do on to do lists. Worse than to do lists are the lists people make to tell me how to manage the stress my to do list causes me. They usually include really helpful hints like “improve your attitude” or “manage your expectations.” I have a bad attitude because I expect this is going to be another disaster. A favorite tip is always “take something off your list that doesn’t have to get done.” If it didn’t HAVE to get done, it wouldn’t be on the stupid list!
5) Thanksgiving – I really like Thanksgiving. Not the Pilgrims giving small pox to the Native Americans while they stole their land part, but the modern day ritual of taking a day to be grateful. This is holiday I can get behind. There are no gifts. There are no parties leading up to it I have to buy clothes for. There are no songs, save a few hymns, which I like. It’s as uncommercialized as a holiday in America can be. It totally gets stomped on by a bunch of elves selling Tickle Me, Elmo. It deserves more reverence than that. It’s a really good day. At my house, we have no expectations of good behavior by the previously mentioned family, so we just invite holiday orphans and let them have dinner and a show. It. Is. Awesome.
I know many of you actually like Christmas. You are allowed. I won’t take that from you. But every year I have to explain why I don’t. So I have conveniently written it down for all to read.
Now take it away Oscar!