‘I Don’t Like Christmas’ List

Thanksgiving is next week. Although you wouldn’t know that if you walked through any retail establishment or public space. The Christmas season has been thrust upon us once again with its garland, tinsel, and sparkling madness.

So here it is, people, the cold, hard truth about me and my dark heart: I don’t like Christmas. There, I wrote it where everyone can see. Now before y’all start fussing at me and questioning if I’m good Christian girl, let me be clear, I have no issue with church Christmas. I’m down with Jesus. I have long contended there are two Christmases: church Christmas and mall Christmas. I don’t like mall Christmas. I have a list of reasons and since it’s my blog I’m writing them here.

1) Feelings - I am dark humored, sarcastic and generally a malcontent. Eleven months out of the year, people find this to be among the reasons they like me. You’re reading this, aren’t you? However, December 1st, suddenly the whole flipping world is concerned about my feelings. Am I happy? Am I happy enough? Do I have love for my fellow man? Am I moved to tears by poorly written TV movies about going home for Christmas? No one cares about my feeling any other time of year, and I’m comfortable with that arrangement. I don’t care that much about your feelings; stop being concerned about mine.

2) Music - Christmas music SUCKS! seriously. It is schmaltzy. It is overdone. It is designed to elicit cheap tears and false nostalgia about bygone times that really weren’t that great either but because it’s the past we can romanticize it and dress it up any way we want to make it more than it ever was or hoped to be. Some of my worst emotional lows happened at Christmas. I don’t care to drag up my feelings about Christmases past, thank you very much. (See: Feelings) And it’s everywhere. You can’t even buy your groceries in peace. They pipe those silver bells into Kroger too. By the way, whoever let Mariah Carey record a Christmas album has a special listening room in hell where they pipe in puppies yelping for all eternity.

3) FFF – Forced Family Fun could be the worst part of the entire holiday season. UN negotiators have nothing on the Herculean efforts of compromise to get this family together for a meal. This is a group of people, but for DNA, would never have anything to do with one another. On one side of the family, you could be challenged to a footrace or arm wrestling competition if you don’t first have to clean up squirrel guts. (a story for another time) On the other side of the family, a pink elephant twirling a fire baton could walk in and sit down to join us for supper and no one would acknowledge it, we are just that WASPy. Unfortunately, neither side will let me drink. A person should not have to endure Force Family Fun sober.

4) Lists – Every year, about a week before Thanksgiving I start making holiday to do lists. Last year, things got so ridiculous, I handed off a big section of mine to Katy Kat who graciously took it for me. Now you will never know if the gift you got last year was selected by me or her. Hint: it was probably her. There’s absolutely NOTHING fun to do on to do lists. Worse than to do lists are the lists people make to tell me how to manage the stress my to do list causes me. They usually include really helpful hints like “improve your attitude” or “manage your expectations.” I have a bad attitude because I expect this is going to be another disaster. A favorite tip is always “take something off your list that doesn’t have to get done.” If it didn’t HAVE to get done, it wouldn’t be on the stupid list!

5) Thanksgiving – I really like Thanksgiving. Not the Pilgrims giving small pox to the Native Americans while they stole their land part, but the modern day ritual of taking a day to be grateful. This is holiday I can get behind. There are no gifts. There are no parties leading up to it I have to buy clothes for. There are no songs, save a few hymns, which I like. It’s as uncommercialized as a holiday in America can be. It totally gets stomped on by a bunch of elves selling Tickle Me, Elmo. It deserves more reverence than that. It’s a really good day. At my house, we have no expectations of good behavior by the previously mentioned family, so we just invite holiday orphans and let them have dinner and a show. It. Is. Awesome.

I know many of you actually like Christmas. You are allowed. I won’t take that from you. But every year I have to explain why I don’t. So I have conveniently written it down for all to read.

Now take it away Oscar!

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22 Comments

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22 responses to “‘I Don’t Like Christmas’ List

  1. My Lipstick Life

    Loved the post! You speak for many of us who can’t wait for 12/26! Rock on Thxgiving, rock on.

  2. By the way, whoever let Mariah Carey record a Christmas album has a special listening room in hell where they pipe in puppies yelping for all eternity.

    Thanks for saying what needed to be said…

  3. So I totally thought that the chick on that album cover was Alyssa Milano til I read the name. …. but neither of them should be singing. I like the family time of Christmas and the awesome church services I attend, but I hate hate hate the over commercialization of it. Great post!

  4. Yes. I’m with you on this one. Yesyesyesyesyes.

  5. I couldn’t agree more!! Enough said!

  6. I could not agree more!!!!!

  7. ladyrebecca

    I enjoyed your post. I am one of those people who likes Christmas but my husband is not. He would probably agree with 90% of your list (being an atheist, he’s not super keen on the Jesus aspect of the holiday).

    And Oscar…wow. Hilarious.

    I actually thought the first exchange between Mr Hooper and the other guy was great. “Mr. Hooper – Happy Hanukkah.” “Thanks…and a Merry Christmas to you.”

    Why can’t everyone get along so well?

  8. Having grown up Jewish, I have no baggage about Christmas itself. However, ditto to everything you said about Christmas music. I stumbled on this blog after googling “Christmas music sucks.” Nuff said.

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  11. Hey there Bitter Bessie! Even though you don’t like Christmastime, I’m sure it would be glad to sprinkle paper snowflakes and throw gingerbread cookies at you!

    PS – I love Mariah Carey’s Christmas album!

    PPS – If there ends up being some Twitter get together I’m going to find you and duct tape you to a chair and serenade (read: torture) you with my beautiful rendition of — “All I Want For Christmas.”

    PPPPPPPS – I hope I’m still getting a Christmas card. See! You still like THOSE!

  12. kat

    Agreed. Mall Christmas blows. I wish more people felt this way.

  13. Ginger

    I don’t like Christmas either! I used to like it until gifts I bought people were unappreciated, never looked at or played with, broke the first day out, returned, never worn, the list goes on. My husband basically said why bother wrapping and buying this stuff for him because he can get it on his own. I just don’t like the stress of it all. I also don’t like how busy places like the post office become. Why do we need Christmas to give gifts? Gifts can be given all year round. I am always buying things for my kids, when it comes to Christmas I don’t know what else to get them. I worry about wasting money on worthless junk for the 10 minutes of joy it brings them. There, I said it too. I have said it before on the Internet, but was bashed for it. At least here I am saying it to someone who feels the same way. :) That makes me feel a lot better. Let’s hear it for December 26th!

    • Lisa

      Yes!! Yes And Yes!! When my son was in High School and screwing up I said no gifts for you and then made to feel like I was a horrible mother! No one ‘makes’ me anything anymore!!

  14. Matt

    Amen! I couldn’t agree with you more. My wife gets mad at me because I don’t like Christmas. It just feels so superficial and fake, like Las Vegas with all the lights. And what a joy (not!) to spend a small fortune on a bunch of crap that people don’t need anyway. Great points on the Forced Family Fun. I really wish everyone would take all the money they were planning on buying gifts with and pool it together to give to charity – that seems more Christmas-like to me. The charities have more of need and can better use the “gifts” to help those in real need. I love the church Christmas part of Christmas. Christmas is a religious holiday. I have a job in retail and they start putting up Christmas decorations in September. Why not just keep the decorations up all year for God’s sake. The longer the season becomes because of the shopping aspect, the less special it is for me and the more we lose sight of what Christmas is really about.

  15. Lesley

    Oh, I thought I was the only one….like what you wrote about Church Christmas and mall christmas. Worked in a grocery store since 1986…my dislike for retail christmas worsens every year. Love God, Jesus, and the Holy
    Spirit, I believe in Hope, Peace, Joy, and Love. Can’t get enough of Christian music… Music about santa clause, no thanks. The crowds of people in the mall, the parking lots are so full. I am so glad I am not the only one.

  16. Vincent

    I don’t like or dislike chirstmas…I actually feel nothing for this day in general…its just another day like the one before however having to hear about christmas for nearly two months before the day gets here is a bit overkill…As soon as halloween ends thats when they break out the christmas stuff.

    I notice a lot of people are in credit card debt theses days and I think a big reason for that is because of this time of year…I dont use credit cards any more and I stopped buying gifts as well…its basically a waste of time and money…I dont have any children so thats also a big expense I dont have to buy for however if I did have kids Im thinking I would buy them a few gifts they really wanted if they deserved it…this time of year would be much tougher on people with children than what it is for me.

    Last thing I would like to mention is christmas cant decide what it wants to be about…is it about Santa and gifts or is it about Jesus…perhaps there should be two holidays…one for Jesus and one for Santa…I dont really understand why its about both.

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  18. Amen to everything you said. In my part of the world, Christmas brings out the control freaks and the materialists and an incredible load of emotional baggage. I would much rather go with my immediate family to midnight mass and forget all the rest of it. I do like the way Christmas inspires some people to help those in need, but I see no reason why we all can’t be more charitable every day of the year. The stress Christmas brings — for weeks on end — doesn’t strike me as something Jesus would want for his birthday. (And we all know that December 25 isn’t really Jesus’s birthday and that Christmas trees originated with the Druids, anyway.)

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